I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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