my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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