Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
