Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He passed out mid-signature
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
