She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
