just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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