Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
