I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
