Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
stop calling my apartment porn island.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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