My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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