I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
