What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
