Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
