you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
