oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
