That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
