Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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