You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
