is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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