but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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