drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
