I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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