the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
