I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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