you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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