This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
