I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
