You just made me feel so damn special
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
