I am puke
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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