I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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