I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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