Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
