If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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