My liver just broke up with me...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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