my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
