I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
