Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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