you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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