In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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