life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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