he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
