Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
