Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
