took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
