We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You left your underwear on the fireplace
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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