i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
