Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
