just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Holy shit dude........stairs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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