I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
