Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
